Ask my wife and she will tell you: I am a nightmare to watch movies with. If there is a badge or a plate carrier on screen, I am likely seconds away from yelling “BULLSHIT!!” at the TV. It makes me wonder—don’t these shows have technical advisers? If they do, what the hell are they getting paid for? Or is it that directors think their “creative vision” trumps 34 years of operational reality?
Here are the 11 topics at the top of my WTF?!?! list:
1. “Give Me That Before You Hurt Yourself” (The Rack)
Cops and soldiers are constantly “racking” their weapons. I carry with a round in the chamber 100% of the time. If I had to rack my weapon every time I drew it, there would be brass flying everywhere and my co-workers would think I’d lost my mind. SWAT teams don’t stack on a door and then load. Racking a shotgun just before you kick a door is F#$%ING STUPID!! * The Glock Myth: There is no external “safety” on a Glock. If a character says, “Turn off your safety,” they’ve already failed the course.
- The Infinite Click: A striker-fired pistol goes click once when empty. It doesn’t go click-click-click like a cinematic revolver. If you’re pulling the trigger three times on an empty Glock, you aren’t a hero; you’re an idiot.
2. “Oh What the Hell, Why Not?” (The Stack)
Every Tom, Dick, and Harry seems to stack up with the SWAT team. If I saw a “CSI,” “FBI Profiler,” or some “Detective” with no tactical training trying to get in my stack, they’d get a boot up their ass. SWAT goes in ALONE. When it’s secure, then we call in the eggheads. Seeing Horatio Caine lead a stack in designer shades isn’t “cool”—it’s a safety violation that would get a real Team Leader fired.
3. Uniformed Cops as Props
In Hollywood, if you’re wearing a uniform, you’re either a moron who “screwed up the perimeter” or a glorified valet who magically appears just in time to slap cuffs on the guy the “Crime Lab Dweeb” just ran down. The “Dumbass Uniform” is the backbone of this profession. They are the ones holding the line while the “Star” is off having a dramatic epiphany in a dimly lit bar.
4. “Hello, I’m with the Gov’t and I’m Here to Help”
CSI and Criminal Minds always start with “we’re just here to help,” yet somehow the profiler always takes over and ends up in the shooting. In the real world, FBI agents are mostly investigators, accountants, and lawyers. They sit in offices. Local cops make the arrests. That’s the “Long Haul” reality.
5. Kill ‘Em and Leave ‘Em
The “profilers” arrive like the cavalry, light up a scumbag, and then hop back on their jet and fly off into the sunset. In the real world, an Officer-Involved Shooting (OIS) involves internal affairs, lawsuits, psychological evaluations, and endless paperwork. You don’t “holster up and walk away.” You go to a windowless room and talk to a lawyer.
6. Nuclear Grenades
Some Delta Operator tosses a fragmentation grenade into a window and the whole floor erupts into a raging inferno fireball. Uhhhh… no. A loud BOOM, a puff of smoke, and a lot of little bits of metal flying about is about it. If you want a fireball, call an air strike, not a frag.
7. Crappy Salutes
Need I elaborate? Some of these actors’ salutes would make a Drill Sergeant break out in hives. It’s a basic sign of respect and discipline—if you can’t get the hand-to-brow right, you shouldn’t be wearing the uniform.
8. Weird Science (The CSI Effect)
No, we don’t have databases of every matchbook in the tri-state area. No, we can’t piece a bottle together and get a fingerprint in 20 seconds. DNA IS NOT A “WHILE YOU WAIT” PROCESS. This “stretching” of science has led to the “CSI Effect,” where juries clear criminals because the real-world proof wasn’t as “conclusive” as what they saw on TV last night.
9. “Tuck That Thing In”
Military movies where everyone walks around with dog tags outside their shirts, or dress uniforms with improper ribbons… come on, guys. There are books on this! Then there are the “hot women detectives” in clothes so tight I can count the change in their pockets. If a subordinate came to my briefing with her cleavage and belly button showing, she’d be going home for a wardrobe change immediately.
10. “Cover Me, I’m Going In”
In movies, nobody ever waits for backup, sets up a perimeter, or gets on the radio. They just head into the basement alone to find the serial killer. In the real world, only someone with a death wish (or a “puddle” ego) ignores the radio and the perimeter.
11. Tin Cans and Strings (Comms)
The lack of realism in movie communications is reaching WTF?? proportions.
- Frequencies: A police portable radio cannot talk to a tank radio just because the plot needs it to (The Walking Dead, I’m looking at you).
- The Rolex Radio: Talking to your wrist without an earpiece? Unless you’re James Bond, you aren’t hearing a reply through your watchband. Even a Bluetooth earbud would give the scene a scintilla of possibility.
The Captain’s Bottom Line
I know, I know… “it’s just entertainment.” But for those of us who live in the High Seas of the real world, these “creative decisions” are just Dragon Wallpaper. They mask the grit, the boredom, the tragedy, and the extreme discipline required to actually do the job.
Deal with it! This is just me warming up.
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